You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
