Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
