I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
