I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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