Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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