Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
