fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We left the knife in your bed.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
