Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
