I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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