He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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