We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
