is your mom at the bar?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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