Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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