Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
