So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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