I cockslap morals
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
3pm strippers are depressing
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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