Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
