I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
