i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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