I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
