She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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