kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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