mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize