I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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