you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
