I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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