How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
