How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
