what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
