I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
