i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
