Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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