We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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