Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
