Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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