mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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