Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize