I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
