I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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