I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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