If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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