i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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