As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
