My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
