I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
