checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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