I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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