Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dear god my vagina.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
