i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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