Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
