It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drunk is not a location!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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