Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
