The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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