We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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