the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
