Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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