i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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